Snappy Comebacks You Wish You'd Used

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KBrooks
Participant
#

I’m trying to get better about not responding to slights by automobile drivers with the yelling/middle finger combo, in the interest of taking a Zen approach and calming everything down.

BUT sometimes I come up with snarky comments, zingers, etc. after the culprit has already driven away. Maybe some of you do as well. Here is a place to get them heard.

Here’s a recent one:
Driver: “Get off the street. They have a park for you to ride in.”
My response (crafted after about a half-mile of stewing): “There’s a track you can drive that car around, outside of Johnstown somewhere… although that beater doesn’t look like it would make it far.”


mlinwood25
Member
#

If somebody is all over me with the yelling and screaming and I can’t resist responding, here is one thing I thought of following an altercation with a car and have used since several times:

“No wonder why (he/she) left you.”

While it has nothing to do with driving, chances are it will hit a nerve.


sarapgh2
Participant
#

It’s VERY hard not to do the automatic finger/curse response. I’m also trying to stay zen but fuck, if you insist on driving 2 inches from me or turning INTO my lane in front of me, DIRECTLY, zen seems very far away.

EDIT: I’ve often thought we need a catchy help group-type phrase. Like stop-drop-and-roll, but I can’t think of anything:(


StuInMcCandless
Participant
#

Them: “You’re blocking traffic!”
Me: “I *AM* traffic!”

No guarantees how civil I remain beyond that.


Mick
Participant
#

The ones I do use:

“DRUNKARD!”

Often in a phrase: “SLOW DOWN, DRUNKARD!” “STOP SIGN, DRUNKARD!” “YO! DRUNKARD! DRIVE RIGHT”

It gets sympathy from passerby. Sometimes legally true.

“You should not be driving.”

Simple. Not abusive.

Often repeating that in increasing, interrupting volume. varying emphasis from YOU to NOT to DRIVING.

True for most drivers that you have one of those interactions with. They know it’s true, too. Sometimes legally true.

These two phrases sometimes get dramatic, positive results in how these guys drive. I know of no other words that do that.

These are magic phrases. Really.

Use them and you might save a life.

You guys know any others?

Lately I’ve been fond of “HALFWITTED HOMOPHOBE!” when appropriate. It’s long for this kind of thing, but it has a ring to it. Gets smiles from passerby.

I live in Oakland, so I get comments from partyers. “I wish I was as cool as a drunk undergraduate!” works well.

No one has ever called me on it: It’s totally true.

Harassment from intoxicated students used to happen every weekend trip through Oakland. It is getting rare, now. YAY TEAM!


Kordite
Participant
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Four way intersection. All lights red with the pedestrian walk signal. I come to a complete stop at the light and then ride through. A person crossing cattycorner yells “Red light.” I respond “Jaywalking.”


bikeygirl
Participant
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haha…. my usual remark is only “DUDE!!!!” while raising my arm with a disappointed look in my face as I roll my eyes @_@


Mick
Participant
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mlinwood25 wrote:“No wonder why (he/she) left you.”

I like it! I’ll use it!


mr marvelous
Participant
#

When drives yell at me I always reply in Klingon

I can speak in the full Klingon language.


buffalo buffalo
Participant
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mr marvelous wrote:I can speak in the full Klingon language.

… why doesn’t this surprise me?

My usual reaction is a puzzled look and one or both arms upraised in a “what the hell?!?” gesture, though on a couple longer rides recently (particularly Saturday’s all-city tour, though that wasn’t the first time) I’ve had enough close passes I’ve come close to flinging my water bottle at some of them.

My favourite response though might be the person behind me on Crane Ave who, when a driver started honking at them, started yelling back “BEEP! BEEEEEP!” …


smarchit
Member
#

buffalo buffalo wrote:

My favourite response though might be the person behind me on Crane Ave who, when a driver started honking at them, started yelling back “BEEP! BEEEEEP!” …

HA!! I LOVE IT!!!


stefb
Participant
#

“SNIFF MY SADDLE”


helen s
Participant
#

” Don’t want to be late for your anger management class?”


J.Str.
Member
#

If I am downtown and somebody in a nice car looks remotely important I will throw out something like, “I will see you at the meeting next week, have a nice weekend!”

Hopefully it makes some people think about who they are yelling at.

I have also been known to ask something like, “How have you been lately? I was just thinking about you the other day!” Of course acting like I thought their ignorance was a jab at me. (While pretending I am an old friend).

By that time the light (or whatever) has turned and I can get away without explanation as to how I know (or don’t know) this person!


AtLeastMyKidsLoveMe
Participant
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srpit
Member
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stefb wrote:“SNIFF MY SADDLE”

Damn! That’s funny!


screbner
Participant
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I’ve always been fond of using “Horn works! Try the lights!” when startled by an annoying horn.


Erica
Participant
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I usually just yell a specific grievance.
“CALM DOWN!”
“SLOW DOWN!”
“PUT YOUR PHONE AWAY!”


byogman
Member
#

Once heard in a non vehicular context “You should go home, you left your good manners there.”

I think that’s as close to perfect as it gets. I sure can’t, age, disposition, none of it lines up, but I wish I could.


Mick
Participant
#

Erica wrote:I usually just yell a specific grievance.“CALM DOWN!”“SLOW DOWN!”“PUT YOUR PHONE AWAY!”

I like these. A lot.

***

stefb wrote:“SNIFF MY SADDLE”

But there’s guys downtown that would pay good money for that.


RoadKillen
Participant
#

I usually just yell incoherently like the pigs in that Samurai Jack episode.


JaySherman5000
Member
#

stefb wrote:“SNIFF MY SADDLE”

careful, you’ll only encourage dudes like this:

(**you probably don’t want to press play unless you are alone somewhere. there’s no nudity, but there’s a sweaty woman, a bike, and a creepy dude**)


Erica
Participant
#

O___O


StuInMcCandless
Participant
#

People buy this stuff? They make this stuff? hokaaaayy…


stefb
Participant
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WTSF!!? Hahaahahahahah

Oh man, I went to the website. NSFW. How did I not know this existed?!?


RustyRed
Member
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stefb wrote:WTSF!!? Hahaahahahahah

Oh man, I went to the website. NSFW. How did I not know this existed?!?

The Amazon reviews are hee-larious!


Pierce
Participant
#

How exactly is this scent produced?

@jay

Reminds me of the semester’s new students; they all smell like crap
I wish perfume/cologne industry would die

====

There’s the time honored classic of “gashole!”


AtLeastMyKidsLoveMe
Participant
#

Wow. Just, wow.


Pierce
Participant
#

P.S. That ad also continues the time honored tradition of anything bicycle related having soft techno music in the background


reddan
Keymaster
#

I wonder if there’s an untapped market for a masculine variation.

Perhaps “Honoré” would be a good product name, although “Sweaty Balzac” has an earthy appeal.

Back on topic, I’ve yelled “Dinner and a movie first!” a couple of times over the years, but it seems to produce nothing but puzzlement.


Mick
Participant
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reddan wrote:I’ve yelled “Dinner and a movie first!”

Brilliant! Stellar!

I’m gonna SO steal this.


StuInMcCandless
Participant
#

*stuffing fist in my mouth*
I gotta not read the message board at work sometimes.


ajbooth
Participant
#

I’ve responded over the years to “F__k you” with the following:

“You wish!”
“You’d never go back to little boys”
“You’re not man enough for me”
“Not on your best day”

All serve the same purpose, and are best used with a viable escape route.


Benzo
Participant
#

I saw some pedestrians who looked at the crosswalk signs showing a solid hand, looked at me coming down a steep hill with a green light in my favor, and then walked right in to the intersection in front of me.

As I skidded to slow down, I said “Yo, are you stoned or stupid?”. Their reply indicated that I had made a good assessment, they said “Both”. I changed direction, and swung around behind them and continued to work.


sew
Participant
#

“Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life, son.”

While a classic line, it just doesn’t roll off the tongue in a high stress situation. “Stoned or Stupid?!” is much better. I might use that one.


james.a
Participant
#

The jerk store called and they’re running out of YOU.


ajbooth
Participant
#

On my commute home last night, a woman driving a car with three young kids in the back pulled along side my bike at a light, and in a sing-song voice, said “Get. the f__k. off. the road.” Thinking back to this thread, I said “Are you stoned?” She replied “Why would you say that?” I said “Because you couldn’t survive being THAT stupid.”

Normally not something to say in front of kids, but I don’t make a habit of dropping the f-bomb in front of them either…


edmonds59
Participant
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Really good.
The kids will survive.


JaySherman5000
Member
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james.a wrote:The jerk store called and they’re running out of YOU.

That’s funny, I heard you were their best seller!


RustyRed
Member
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ajbooth wrote:On my commute home last night, a woman driving a car with three young kids in the back pulled along side my bike at a light, and in a sing-song voice, said “Get. the f__k. off. the road.”

I could’ve swore I saw you this morning at the Cochran and Beverly light… it’s a good thing I didn’t roll down the window to say hello… you may have thought “OMG, what’s this dolt going to say to me?”

LOL!

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